Dig, isolate, ache from being lonely, GLOW Like many late 20-somethings I've had my share of failed relationships, the most prominate being an 8 year live-in one. "Common law married". I'm not gonna spend so much time on the particulars, but we weren't meant to be. For 6 months I spiraled and acted out every annoying and "smh" worthy moment that almost every woman has after a heavy breakup. Lately, I've seen it replayed in SO many young women, so I felt the need to write this post in hopes that if you do need it, it'll find you.
When the relationship ended, there was definitely a point in time where I felt that I might possibly die lol. I was 25 so of course that didn't take much, but in my defense, 8 years is a very serious commitment. Real marriage was an actual goal at the time, and after so much time of living together all we were missing was the wedding and the paper work. At first I made the mistakes that I see other women make every single day and I cringe from the memory. I cried, I prayed, I tried to "make myself whole" in hopes that he would see what a "good woman" I was. Constantly trying to prove my worth, thinking I was growing when really I just wanted him to see. I tried to mimic the women's patterns that I thought he desired and felt further and further away from myself. I was lost. My entire identity was wrapped up in who "we" had been and I missed it so much that I didn't even stop to realize that there was no possible way that there was ever a "we". There was hardly even a "me".
When I look around I see little parts of myself from then in so many women today. I needed that relationship to end in the exact way that it ended. Blunt, hard and done in my head so that I wouldn't make the same mistake again of trying to make it work with someone who frankly, I didn't belong to. I walked away from that relationship and still fell into all of these traps. I know I wasn't the only one who needed to read something like this, so this is the key. Here's how I survived it.
1. I let the pain happen.
Of course it hurts, of course it feels like shit. You loved someone and realized that the whole time you were planning on forever, God was chuckling. The disappointment is real. I ached at night sometimes letting memories fill my head and I let it play out, I distracted myself with healthy alternatives to pining after a love lost. Let yourself feel that shit. We all love to play the blame game, but most of the time we fail to realize that if something is not of God, it would have ended in a million different ways eons before it ever worked.
2.I stopped pretending.
I stopped acting like I was anything like all of the people I imagined him loving more than me. I stopped wondering if I could be good at what I thought they were good at etc... It was a disgusting mental place to be in. I let the cold reality of the fact that at some point he will love someone more than he loves you and it will work, seep into my heart. I also stopped subconsciously trying to be better than every girl I saw him with. Such a destructive way to think of these other queens who didn't have shit to do with me. I wasn't thinking about it then but, fun fact: you can't compete with women who don't know there is a competition.
And also, if you're wasting time competing to show him "what he lost", you are not being true to who you are. The truth was that at some point someone would be better than me....For him. I reminded myself of that until it no longer hurt. I also though had to succumb to the beautiful reality that there was someone meant just for me, that God had been loving and shaping and who was probably experiencing their own life lessons and heartaches just like I was. Peace.
3.I embraced me.
I started doing every single thing that I loved, despite whether or not we had the interest in common. I started to love the independence of coming when I wanted, going when I wanted, and doing whatever in the world I wanted to. I threw myself into my dreams and my purpose 100% and mapped out a complete new plan for my life. The world was mine and I let it feel that way.
4.I logged off.
I stopped with the back and forth obsessing, the thinking every post was about me and posting everything reactively or to try and seem like I was in this "better place" I was doing good, but I stopped making it about him. If you let it, this one will eat you up for years. By the time it hits you that they haven't been thinking about you or vice versa, the shame will end you. The hardest pill to swallow is that at some point, they won't be thinking about you, and they will be right for it. The biggest lesson in this is that if "love" has to be manipulated to be reciprocated it is not, & has never been love. Don't stoop to this level of pathetic, this is one of the worst ones.
5.I found God again.
My relationship with God is the most important thing in my life, I was born and raised in the church, parents as pastors and have sat through almost every denomination. I turned to God and let him really and genuinely lead and guide my life. My red flag warning (that maybe I wasn't making the progress that I'd hoped I was) was that whenever He would start to lead me away from my old life I would think of ways to insert myself. I never did, and to this day I'm glad I didn't. I learned for one of the first times in my life to really and truly trust that He had a plan. Almost 4 years later it's obvious in my life now that He always, always does.
At the end of the day here's a few key things. You cannot "be whole" for someone else. It's not real. As soon as you realize (for the billionth time) that over is over you will feel incomplete all over again. Be whole for you. Do NOT spend your nights and days waiting and pining after ANYONE, it's gross and you have to learn to value yourself. The one thing I was stern with after that break up was that I would not be waiting around, I didn't (praise dance). A lot of women will point the finger at men who have moved on as if they're are bad people for it (men do this to us as well) when truthfully, they are just learning to walk out their own destiny, minding their own business. When you know your worth, your bounce back game is so much quicker. As they say, the true mark of maturity is when you can "learn to check your damn self" why are you doing the things you're doing? If it in any way it is to get the attention of one half of a dead relationship, I'm here to be a friend to you as it appears yours are busy lol. Stop being pathetic. Glow up and be the goddess that you were born to be. Just like in our individual lives, relationships have a purpose. Learn to wait for the one that has a purpose for you. And last but not least if you are like some of the worst cases that I've seen, plotting and scheming to get back your "love", trust me when I say you will wake up one day and loathe yourself if you don't stop. If it was God, you wouldn't be chasing it.