I can still feel the exact emotions from the same time stamps of that day. The desperation, the sadness, the numbness that seemed to have lasted a life time. All of it. That morning I drove home from the hospital in complete silence with my younger brother and sister. I walked into the house and suddenly the home that we had loved and had molded and shaped us smothered us, dry and stale. We each walked into our individual bedrooms and I went into hers. Without thought I kicked off my shoes and climbed into her side of her bed. I pulled the blankets all the way up so only my eyes were poking out, and inhaled all of her scent. I watched the sun shine in through the white drapes that she had hanging above her window, the bottom of them cascading onto a bookshelf of bibles and books about living your best life and finances. The sun danced in slivers over the bed and the silence both peaceful and deafening seemed to hold my ears hostage. I took a deep breath and I let it all consume me. All of the emotion, all of the peace and most of all, all of the emptiness and yet overwhelming sense of her presence. Like a warm blanket in the summer it smothered me, I felt nothing and everything all at once. The feeling of her sitting, standing, or laying right next to me was unshakeable. Wherever I moved it felt as she moved, whenever I thought to double over and crumble I felt her lifting me. Almost as if to say "you can't, Dai... And you won't." As if to read my thoughts, my best friends and cousin walked into her bedroom, sat on the floor under the window backs to the wall and stood in silence with me. My cousin, who had been through it every single step of the way, feeling as if he too had lost a mother laid in her bed next to me, and we cried. No words were said. No one made a single sound. Just the sun, Just the silence, our tears and my mother sat in that room. & unbeknownst to me, taught me everything that I would need in that moment to get through the rest of my life.
It's two years later and I'm laying in my bed in Los Angeles California. Watching the sun creep through the window dancing in slivers over my legs. My brother, sister and boyfriend all lounge in solitude. Nothing but silence, the sun and my mother....no tears. I can't even put into one blog the amount of things that this experience has taken from me, given to me and taught me in just this short amount of time. Sometimes when you lose someone so important and survive it you feel like you're a little bit invincible. Like nothing can touch you. But even life has no pity on loss. I've lost friends, I've lost money, I've cried, I've been at my highest and back at my lowest. I've faced criticism from those who I thought would support me and faced rejection from people who would "always be there." But still, just like that day... I have remained. Still, no words have to be said when I need the most. Still, my best friends show up for me and still my family remains and is there. Through every trial and tribulation my brother and sister stand with me, cry with me, and trudge through this thing called life, still we dream. I never thought I would have the emotional capacity to love again but here I am, and for the second year in a row so is the love of my life. So much has changed and so much has stayed the same but most of all, one thing has always been consistent. She never left. And every time I think to double over and crumble, I feel her lifting me up as if to say "you can't, Dai.... And you won't."
Sending love to my family near and far today because I know that they feel this entire post with me. Even in sadness and longing I feel nothing but love, and THAT is the point of it all. & if any of you should ever think to double over and crumble from life, no matter if it's today or tomorrow... Well, you already know what she would say.
Rest In peace, love and forever mom. Everyday you are missed.